In Molden-Door there is a law
That door knobs shall be clean
And penalties are harsh
For those whose door frames are not green.
In Window-Glass there is a farce,
A rule that all must smile
And never leave the window box
Not ev'n if spurting bile.
In Kitchen-Sink I hear it stinks
Though its people never gripe
For proudly they uphold their right
To never unblock the kitchen pipe.
In Custard-Fridge it's ridgy-didge
To eat custard till you seizure
But woe betide those who fail
To hurl the remnants at the freezer.
In Headworm-Bowl there is a toll
For citizens who think
Or entertain loose lucid thoughts
With ears that are not wriggling pink.
In Varnish-Gums (don't tell your chums)
But it may cost your life
For dull and squidgy mouth-insides
(You'd best remove them with a knife!)
In Lemur-Groin I hear they're toyin'
With making it allowed
To dye the hair of small primates
That make your codpiece proud.
In Spam-Filled-Jocks they'll fill your socks
With concrete if you fail
To fill your pants with processed ham -
You'll wish they had a gaol.
A Congress once was formed to try
To unite these slimy places
But the diplomats who travelled
Couldn't re-unite their faces.
P L A Y T I M E W I T H H E N R Y ' S C A T
HELLO BOYS AND GIRLS WE'RE GOING TO SING A LITTLE SONG
Gavin was a monster
Gavin had false teeth
He climbed into a chamber
And rested on his feet.
A girlie came to pet him
And he grumbled as he smiled
He basked in his contentment
As he chewed her up inside
"Beware the sandaled beast, my child
The shoes that squeak, the thongs that flap
Beware the porridge oats that slide
The ruminous Gavin sap."
THAT WAS FUN WASN'T IT. NOW TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF IT'S BEATINGS TIME!!
O to be a bear
with long brown hair
Paws to catch fish
O to be a shark
Streamlined and grey,
Smiling at the fish
And biting seals.
every now and then I think
about my countrymen and wink
for only they know what goes on
underneath my rubber thongs.
Imagine if boats needed boat fluid instead of a hull.
Small children would have a much easier bathtime, as their crap boats
would float given enough boat fluid. In fact, I reckon you could float a
brick if you had enough boat fluid, but not a house cos that would sink.
If we replace the world's VCRs with ant farms, not only would our children
be protected from violence in films, but they would learn a lot by
watching the ants for hours each day; - although the ants would die when
you rewound them.
How to spew in ya undies
well, first of all make sure you're wearing undies. I mean, if you try
spew in your undies and you're not wearing any, then all you're really
doing is spackling on your own bare thighs and that's not really
something people like to see a young man do this side of south east asia.
once you've established that you are in fact wearing undies, you have
master the 'in' part. attempting to spew in ya undies without actually
opening said undies up does wonders for your drycleaning bill, but
doesn't achieve the desired "I've been carrying a litre of chunk in my pants
for the last half hour" effect.
5. Give Pauline Hanson an anal probe.
8. Gain muscular control of my colon
11. Visit all the world's flamingo victims, over 3 million of them
13. Learn to urinate better
90. Start a global cult, encasing stuff in cheese (eg. buildings)
103. Vacuum the Taj Mahal with my tongue
187. Ice skate through the sahara, towed by shaved huskies
188. Innoculate Nigeria
189. Innoculate my navel
211. Reinvent porrige (in a contemporary context)
212. Become one with the boab [tree]
213. Vomit profusely in the company of statesmen
270. Dye my hair the same colour as everyone else's
NB. _everyone_ else's
280. Eat the pope.
281. Avoid silly music
282. Avoid the earworm (for the earworm hears your thoughts)
289. Massage what can't be seen
290. Massage what can't be known
390. Massage the curious (for they shall inhibit the Earth)
391. Belly-flop in a brewer (and live to tell the tale)
392. Discuss Shakespeare with village idiots
398. Collect beetles near a furnace
399. Forage every once in a while
440. Kick habits before they begin
441. Eat salads consisting solely of Gin
490. Learn to ride antelopes
491. Learn to grow horns
492. Leverage kingsmen who kill their first born
558. Pluck Mr. Cassowary
560. Douse me in jeer
562. Wire up canaries to sing off key;
571. Imbibe every once in a while, it's not fun
572. Rip off your armpits and dance on your bum
600. Insure napalm victims against fire and famine
601. Bust open a spy ring with a chisel and hammer, and
602. every time someone crosses the #@&%^!~ ROAD half a block down from
a pedestrian crossing, report them to the correct
602 (a). Authority.
603. Morris Minors; Ancient Titans; Voltron.
604. Something to do with cling film and musk rats
605. Decide on plaid
606. Document erogenous zones in reptiles and insects
607. Hang out with Gorillas and dine on pansy zoologists who think its
#$&^%# spiritual or something.
608. Climb the worlds tallest buildings using superglue; quickly.
617. Do children's puppetry with body parts
618. Floss someone else's teeth, every night
619. Live in a whale for a while
620. Rip off modern art galleries, selling them stuff found in sewers
621. Design table napkins, zealously.
623. Set up a crappy web site about myself, and charge people to view it.
624. Film politicians screwing their spouses; send the tapes to the
tabloids and tell them its scandal
640. Harass bikies about their hair (I love your hair)
641. Sell small arms made of play-doh to guerillas
643. Donate bananas to Chile
Beaver beaver mush patties
Frying in a pan
Deep fry my feet;
Marinade my hands.
naked kittens on a raft
who'll revive them when I'm past?
"Not me" says Boris
"Nor I" says Dean
"Never me" the crowd responds;
I guess I'll feed them to the demon!
"Brush them backwards!"
"Fry their loins!"
"Treat them harshly"
Leave with eman.
Here's some photos of my trip
I hope you like it when I slipped
Into a fun-infested lake
I almost died; well aren't you gripped?
Here's some photos of my house
See! my televisions trashed
Can you believe I had to think!
To top it off, my browser crashed!
Here's some shots of me at work
Don't you think that guys a jerk?
It's ok, I did away with him
On Corporate Training day.
Here's some pictures of my friends
Can't you tell, nailed end to end
Along the ground around the lake
The bleeding loins are no mistake.
Dig a hole in Melbourne
Climb into your car
Drive into your own abyss
You've created it thus far.
Accelerate with no regard
With disrespect for law
Elongate with gravity
Emancipate with gore.
O, I see your evil ways
Your kind regards,
Your NICE attire -
O, how I crumble in your haze
And throw my cards
Into your fire.
Denizens of death
Will one day squirmish
in your squalour
Candles will enmesh
To flame the furnace
that you follow with an AXE
a vice to bring
to squeeze into MY loins
A one-time citizen of evil
Who now purges as I'm toying
with her heart, her fears
Her teeth her claws
her wings and eyes of flame
That sometimes cornice to watch evil
Sometimes seal into my name.
"Caress the eyes of death"
said T.V. Breath
Fiddling with his buttons
Watching the commotion
as he motioned with his mutton.
Bird songs squeak
and badgers croak
But one day we
will boldly soak our necks in it.
Fully flavoured and spicy,
I like it with ricy,
A sauce you can dance with, marsala.
I like it for dinner,
And after, a movie,
And then we go dancing, marsala.
Oh the tango marsala
So fiery, romantic
Exotically staining, marsala.
The rhythm's enticing
The vegetables steamy
I'll share fillet steak with marsala.
For more disturbed K smud, visit his poetry room