Collection of quotes from Steven Wright. Easily the funniest man alive.

Some people are afraid of heights.  Not me.
I'm afraid of widths.

The bank near my house has a sign "24 hour banking".............. but I don't have that much time.

All of the people in my building are completely insane.  The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for
ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun...She
said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu all at the same time.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the apartment somewhere.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank.  I can't hear it,
but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<.  I go down to the pet
store--- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."

Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak
to Joey?"...They said, "Uh...I don't think so...he's only 2 months old."  I said, "I'll wait."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I had to buy a new phone but I didn't have much money so I got a cheap one. It has no five.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?"
I said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My phone has no five on it."  He said,
"How long has this been going on?"  I said, "I don't know...  my calendar has no sevens"

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them
fight it out.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told
them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".  So I ordered French Toast during the

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the
other museums.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going
to buy some sugar."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got
stuck.  The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl.  She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have
two different colored socks on."  I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.  She said, "Hello,
Information." I said, "I can't find my socks."  She said, "They're behind the couch."  And they

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were
showing up on TV's all over the world.