How to Induce Smut.
Smut is a very delicate pastime, and involves much deliberation on the part of its creator. One cannot simply enter a crowded room and induce smut per se, however with a small amount of effort, smut can be coerced into the conversational habitat without raising offence.
One method of inducing smut which has been implemented in recent times with varying success involves the introduction of random slarken words into the conversation at completely inappropriate moments. Although most slarken words are completely devoid of any sexual connotations whatsoever, their mere presence within otherwise reserved dialogue generally causes the smuttee(s) to experience uneasiness, or, at the very least, a violent and spontaneous urge to paraphrase Chaucer in terms of the legume economy. Very very loudly.
Slarken is a way of life, Slarken is the cure to your ails, Slarken is the reason you exist. Face it: this whole time you've had high hopes of doing something worthwhile and being something special when in fact you were just waiting around for Slarken. Now you can relish your own obscurity and drink the mirth that is anonymity.
RECONDITA NOBIS PLACET
Pleasure in Obscurity
Now you've done that, go and fill your pants with dried beef.
SEX IN THE DARK
There are of course other interpretations of the Slarken motto... <insert
Hither I prithe thy brod beans ar drie/I finde that thy chik peas ar pricd way too hy
Slarken documentation is renowned for its complete and utter devotion to brevity. Brevity and concise manner are the keys to Slarken practice. And repetition is to be avoided, as is irrelevance. I'd just like to make that clear from the outset. Now we continue the introduction to Volume 1, Issue 1 of The Stone Marten.
WHAT IS THE STONE MARTEN?
Glad you asked. The Stone Marten is in fact the name of the UNSW Slarken Society Newsletter. Which is obvious because that's written at the top of the front page. However, the stone marten is also a Eurasian small furry animal, known for its ability to eat cars. We thought it would be appropriate to name the SlarkenSoc Newsletter after this vociferous little beastie because ...
Why would you name a newsletter after a small furry animal? And a vociferous one at that? To enter this competition, send us your answer, along with your name and a spoon of lard. How?
GETTING IN TOUCH WITH SLARKENSOC
You can send anything that doesn't twitch to:
c/- Student Guild
If you have an Internet account somewhere, then you can e-mail us at
firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com
Note that e-mail will be processed faster and doesn't cost you anything. The addresses printed here are correct; the address given in week 2 Blitz was not.
You can also hand deliver anything to the Student Guild office, which
is located on the first floor of the Quadrangle Building, on the eastern
side. Make sure that whatever you drop off there has the word Slarken branded
on it somewhere. We have had numerous problems with live animals in the
past, so if you must drop off livestock, please provide adequate food and
Alternatively, you can always give us things (eg. Letters, food, sub-zero)
at our unofficial meetings at the Union Bar on Thursday nights. You'll
recognise our table by our Slarken t-shirts, our pink Slarken badges, our
crowd of bemused onlookers, and the steady thumping sound of mallets on
plastic. Come and discuss the finer points of Slarken lifestyle with us.
We argue about words, we sing the Neville song, but most of all we plan
the joy bearing activities that SlarkenSoc is famous for.
MORE ACTIVITIES THAN YOU CAN CRAM INTO A HEDGEHOG
Pool Party - A Barbeque in Lycra
WHEN: Thursday, March 30th 1995
WHERE: Near the fountain between the Mechanics and The Electrical Engineering Buildings.
The University of New South Wales Slarken Society members are known for their style, polished manners and good taste. The UNSW SlarkenSoc Pool Party promises to be a truly smashing affaire. Society members are to come prepared with suitable bathing attire - speedos and thongs are a trusty must-have! Although the bathing pool may be described as somewhat lacking in dimension, the provision of barbequeing apparatus and a plentiful supply of beverages will make the SlarkenSoc Pool Party an event to remember.
Entry to the Pool Party is free, although a strict dress code of bathing suits and sunhats will be enforced lightly. Food will be provided at a cost of three dollars for members. All your friends who haven't joined yet are also invited to partake in the activities: we are offering food and membership together at a cost of seven dollars. And what food do we have to offer? Well, for your measly cash deficit you get a barbequed kebab, sausage, salad, bread roll, and your choice of beer or soft drink. The phrase "bloody good deal maaaaaaaaaaaaaaate" is brought to the front of one's mind.
WHEN: Real Soon Now
WHERE: Planet Bondi
Can you imagine an entire bar full of Slarken people? Scary? Perhaps this is just a sociology experiment, and we are the guinea pigs. Whatever happens, an entire bar (Planet Bondi) is being hired for one very special night for one very special group of people. And then the next week, we get it. Come and see what happens when SlarkenSoc, a truckload of spam, and a well stocked bar are brought together.
And that's just the definite plans for the next few weeks. In the pipeline are an ice-skating extravaganza/disco, a formal dinner, a dance party or two... If you have any special requests of ways to experience mirth on a grand scale then let us know!
And now: News for Stone Martens. No stone martens were killed in the
accident on the M4 ...
O Week was the most pleasing week in the history of Slarken. About 150 people joined SlarkenSoc as new members, which is 150 people more than joined SlarkenSoc at O Week last year, mostly because it didn't exist. Much joy was created when we kidnapped two random first years from a Yellow Shirt tour at cap-gunpoint. Well, we thought it was funny anyway. Also on the uncontrollable merriment front was the mightily successful slarkening of the speed bump outside Civil Engineering, just down from the library. Unfortunately the grounds staff in the general vicinity didn't share our utter disgust in the roughness of the speed bump's surface, let alone agree wholeheartedly that all speed bumps are an anomaly on the vehicular landscape and deserve to be slarkened.
Personalised membership badges are being produced, and should be available at the Pool Party. They have your membership name on them, which means that if you haven't told us your membership name yet then your badge won't be ready, so send it to us SOON. You will of course be able to pick up membership badges at any time during the year.
If any of your contact details have changed since you joined, or we misspelt your membership name, then please let us know. In particular, if you have acquired an e-mail address then e-mail us at one of the addresses given above and tell us what it is. If you have the misfortune of having started Maths or other subjects requiring the use of computers (like Computer Science, Mechanics...) then this is likely to have occurred. Note that your e-mail address is simply your login name.
The timelessly sensual Slarken t-shirt has gone into multiple stages of production. If you would like to acquire one at the hormone inducing price of fifteen dollars then please let us know. We will soon be offering a range of Slarken badges to pin to your chest, so wait in a cornfield wearing mongoose slippers until they are available.
ALTERNATIVE STONE MARTEN
The information provided in the Stone Marten, along with far too much spurious banter, is available on the World Wide Web at:
WHO'S RUNNING THIS ORGY OF INSUBORDINATION?
President: David Ruys
Head: Anthony Don
Treasurer: Simon Horman
Secretary: Struan Buchanan
The Stone Marten Volume 1 Issue 1 March 1995 Page 2
The University of New South Wales Slarken Society
The University of New South Wales Slarken Society