The Newsletter of The University of New South Wales Slarken Society
Volume 1 Issue 2 September 1995

Happy Birthday Slarken

Slarken is turning one, and to celebrate we are having a party which some people like to call an Annual General Meeting, but we prefer to call Hubert. Hubert will take place on Monday the 30th October at 1pm in room EEG24 (Ground floor, Electrical Engineering building) and any member who attends will receive a free beer!. As well as the usual festivities, Hubert will involve the election of the Slarken executive committee for 1996. The positions available are: President, Vice President, Treasurer, Secretary, CASOC Representative, Publicity Officer and Social Director. Current nominations are:

President: David Ruys
Vice-President: Conrad Parker
Treasurer: Simon Horman
Secretary: Aeron Latham
CASOC Rep: Carsten Haitzler
Publicity: Richard Lovett
Social: Anthony Don

If you would like to make a nomination for yourself or anyone else for any of these positions, then please let the current executive know (details of contacting us are on the last page of the Stone Marten).

More importantly though, we need some dedicated people to flesh out the social and publicity committees. If you want the opportunity to organise really cheap parties, get a position on the social committee. There's no official nominations or elections involved here, just send us a piece of paper addressed to "I WANNA RUN SOME CHEAP PARTIES" with your name on it, or alternatively just tell us at Hubert. Also, if you'd like to help out with the publicity, which involves writing ads for Tharunka and Blitz, designing our sexy posters and also putting the aforementioned sex-objects on walls, let us know. You'll be lavished with loads of cool prizes, most of which, (in true slarken style) involve free drinks. In fact, being a slarken poster person can keep you well stocked at the bar on Thursday nights.

Free Drinks

Turn up to the bar on a Thursday night and give us a word for the dictionary (with corresponding definition), and if its silly enough, you get a free drink of your choice!! Recent good words have included horage, bray, and weal.

slarken /'slak(n/, v. 1. to smooth down the unevenness on a road surface using small pieces of abrasive paper cunningly fashioned from large sheets of the above mentioned abrasive material: Having them paint rocks white is better than attempting to ~ the Hume. 2. to smooth down the unevenness on any object, esp. animals: ~ the whales.
Free Membership

Thanks to the wonders of funding and free alcohol, we are fucking pleased (how pleased?) to announce that YOU as a loving Slarken member for 1995 will AUTOMATICALLY get free membership for 1996. That means that you get another whole year to enjoy the benefits of Slarken membership, which will involve a lot more than just getting your badge.
Your Badge

We would like to spank everyone who never picked up their badges at Slarken events. We have sent out all the remaining badges with this issue of the Stone Marten. However, if you still don't have it, it is probably because you never gave us a membership name. So, think up your silly name and tell us what it is, and we'll etch it onto a badge and send it out to you.


Whereas most other social groupings are based on banal drinking sessions, Slarken events are known for their utter reliance on stupidity. Except there's probably a bit of both at the following...

Sausage Burning Number 3

Friday 1st December 1995, 1pm.
Centennial Park Barbeque Area, corner of Musgrave Avenue and Avoca St.

Having finally removed the exams from your collection of dilemmas you should be well in the mood to attend a nice relaxing barbeque. But if you can't find one, why not come to our Sausage Burning. We are holding it at the same place as we held the first Sausage Burning way back last February. Bring along a few dollars to cover food and drinks. This will be a casual little gathering to discuss the finer points of the Slarken lifestyle, in particular working out new ways to cause havoc on campus.

O-Week 96

Those of you who were present at O-week earlier this year will remember the extreme state of joy and havoc created by Slarken. The week was (unbeknownst to the incoming first years, but we can let you know now) renamed GAFYABTWARM WEEK, which stood for Grab A First Year And Beat Them With A Rubber Mallet Week. Activities involved: Abducting first years from a tour group, playing Slarken Scattergories in the Bar, Slarkening the speed humps outside the library (which we got in big trouble for, but it was well worth it) and of course, beating things with rubber mallets (although we didn't hit too many first years, we did manage to destroy most of our equipment as well as those stupid little plastic flinstones toys the young liberals were giving out). You could do a lot worse than coming along to O-Week next year and joining in with Slarken's own brand of merriment. It may seem like a long way off now (probably because it is) but if you have any more ideas for silly things to do during O-week, then drop us a line or bring it up at Hubert or the Sausage Burning.


One thing we learnt this year was that it is pretty hard to get things organised when you do your planning at the bar. So, once the new executive has settled in after Hubert, we are planning to have regular meetings in some suitably sober location. We'll keep you posted when they are on.


Slarken Pool Party (Sausage Burning Number 2)

It was really refreshing to see people wearing swimming costumes in the middle of campus. It should happen much more often. Unfortunately the grounds staff didn't turn on the Engineering Fountain for us that day, which made it rather difficult to enjoy a quick dip. That's not to say we didn't try though

BAR NIGHT - Planet Bondi, Friday 28th August

We were really disappointed when we found out that the nightclub had been double booked... until we realised that that meant free drinks all around. The place was packed, with both our own and another party sharing the space, and making the most of the open bar. This was a night to remember, although we realise that some people who were present aren't able to.

Foundation Day

Many thanks to all the joy-bearing people who helped to make Foundation Day kick. Highlights of our efforts included: Winning the foot rally, having half the executive in seriously disturbing drag, and getting far too much terry towelling clothing together in one place. Preparing for Foundation Day was almost as much fun as being there, especially acquiring furniture from KFC and the billboard from the Church of Scientology main office.


Well, I sure have. Although some are yet to acknowledge the metaphysical aspects of shouting out of car windows ("the satchel"), its ability for creating joy (where once there was none) is well documented. For those of you who have been unsure of its use, let me give you a few pointers:
- aim for obscurity, not just shock value. Any old lout can shout "FUUUUUUUUCK" at random pedestrians, but the effect isn't nearly as good as the bewilderment caused by SATCHELing people (especially the stoic).
- always keep your window hand trigger-happy. If you're in a car with the windows up, be sure to keep your hand resting on the window winder. That way, whenever you approach a good satcheling target, you have the window down in enough time to cause shock.
- satchel loud and clear, and choose your targets wisely. You are far better off with a few loud satchels in a car park or nursing home than lots of little ones at kids.
- bus stops are wonderful. The amount of ambivalent not-copingness at the average peak-hour bus stop is phenomenal. One loud satchel at a crowded mid-morning bus stop is enough to send reams of ground-staring office workers into panic.
- Here's some good satchel words to get you started. If you can think of any good ones. tell us.
SATCHEL (of course)
BELGIUM (The world's second most underused swear word. An original favourite.)
MULE (inbuilt Doppler effect)
EGG-PLANT (thanks to Clive Robertson for this beauty)
GET-A-TURKEY-UP-YA (works well at slow speeds, especially when
the conservatism factor is high)

Some good satcheling was had lately on the ski slopes. Although there are no windows to wind down on chairlifts, a loud satchel is enough to send nervous skiers tumbling.

It seems a year's supply of Satchel-On-A-Stick wasn't enough for hardy satcheler Jo Couch, who just a few weeks ago had to get a new supply. And if you thought the miracle space-age wonder-product was too good to be true, Anand Kumar replaced his early on with Sandal-In-A-Bucket. We're still not sure exactly what he does with it though.
(This isn't really satcheling, but...) Some more fun you can have with your pants off and the car windows down is TALKING TO OTHER DRIVERS. Pull up at the lights, and signal to the driver next to you to wind their window down (like you are going to tell them that they're boot's open or their kid's fallen out). Then ask them what they had for breakfast. You'll find that not-copingness is highest amongst the middle-aged, especially those in management. In general, young people cope well, answering by telling you what they had and driving away sniggering. Old people tell you what they had for breakfast this morning and also during the war, and then somehow turn the conversation around to the Midday show.


You can send anything that doesn't twitch to:

c/- Student Guild
UNSW 2052

If you have an Internet account somewhere, then you can e-mail us at or
Note that e-mail will be processed faster and doesn't cost you anything.

You can also hand deliver anything to the Student Guild office, which is located on the first floor of the Quadrangle Building, on the eastern side. Make sure that whatever you drop off there has the word Slarken branded on it somewhere. We have had numerous problems with live animals in the past, so if you must drop off livestock, please provide adequate food and water.

Slarken on the World Wide Web

The SlarkenSoc home page is currently located at:


Executive Committee
Activities Committee
President: David RuysHead: Anthony DonVice President/Hypesmith:Angela Finlayson Conrad ParkerRenae LindwallTreasurer: Simon HormanAndrew O'BrienCASOC Representative:Jon Dor Carsten HaitzlerDavid WolpertSecretary: Struan BuchananHappy PancholiJames Cooper

The Stone Marten Volume 1 Issue 2 September 1995 Page 4

The University of New South Wales Slarken Society